I love and miss my mother Margaret everyday. She went too soon. Her guardian angel came for her when she was 48 years old and took her up to heaven.
She had a beautiful face and smile. When I think of her I can see her smiling at me.
Our house had four men and two women in it. My mother took care of all of us and went to work as well. I went everywhere with her and never left her side. You can imagine that when I found out she had cancer it was heartbreaking for us all.
My dad and I used to go in the car to the hospital on a Thursday night to see her. It was the year the TV program Fame came on telly, because when we got back I used to watch it. She was transferred to Hammersmith Hospital in London from Leicester General. In London she had a major op.
My dad worked and I was at school, so I stayed with my brother Tom and his family while my mother was in hospital. While she was having her op, my dad let me go on a school trip to Italy for 9 days. I will never forget the holiday loved it very much, but worried about my mother while I was away.
On my return I went to see my mother and she said that I didn’t look very brown. I didn’t recognise her. The big strong lady I knew was now a little frail lady and it upset me very much.
When she came home she needed lots of help and care and when my dad went to work at 3:30 in the morning I would get in beside her in case she needed something in the night. I didn’t attend school that much as I helped look after her.
The nurses came everyday and I would let them in. A lovely lady called Mary came to give her holy communion as well.
She started to improve and pick up, but due to the big operation she had it took alot out of her and we all had to accept that she would perhaps not quite be the same as before.
She did manage to go to Ireland on holiday and myself and my Aunty Eileen my mothers sister went with her. She also went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes to visit our lady Mary’s grotto in France. I missed her when she went and felt very lonely at this time.
June 1984 and I had finished school. I had my 16th Birthday in July and then in August something really terrible happened. I was at my Aunt’s house and my dad had to take my mother to London hospital as her stomach had swollen quite badly. On his return he came back alone without her and had to leave her there for some tests. A few days later when he went back they were both told some very bad news. When he got home he broke the news.
I was sitting on the hall stairs when my dad sat in the lounge talking to my brother Peter. They discussed the news and I remember Peter asking him what did they say. My dad said that there was nothing more that they could do. The cancer had returned and that she had a few months to live . Neither of them knew I was there. My mothers wishes were to come home to her family and this was granted.
This was back in the 80’s so to hear someone had cancer was massive not only for the people concerned but to friends and relatives. There was no help like counseling etc to deal with it.We all struggled with what was happening.
My mother deteriorated quite quickly and she was able to be downstairs but very soon it was too much as the pain was unbearable for her. She spent most of her time in bed. I used to sit in her room talking to her. Sometimes though towards the end she had that much morphine she was unconscious and didn’t know I was there, but I still talked to her.
She spoke of her mother, my granny coming to her and saying that there was a small devotion in heaven for her. Only now do I understand that my granny had come to see her and that when she did finally pass, my granny, her mother would take her to heaven.
I was with my mother when she died. I sat on the bed next to her and held her hand. When she died I asked my dad if I could kiss her and he said yes. The very bedroom that she died in was the bedroom I was born in. She saw me come into the world and I saw her go out. In someway helped her to go to heaven.
After she died people came to the house that night. I sat in the kitchen on my own. Peter my brother asked me if I was okay and I said yes. But I wasn’t. I could hear my brother Thomas outside crying. Thomas had been with her when she was in London having her operation and supported my dad.
Although the years have passed without her the pain and emptiness still remains. I have often said it’s like having a jigsaw with a piece missing and you try and fit something in it but it just doesn’t work.
I have a little girl Rosie now and my mother would have loved her very much. I miss her to talk to, to share my life with and most of all to have a big cuddle and a love, because God knows I need one and have missed so many.
I hope I have made her proud of me, its not been easy at all, but I do my best. She cared for everyone she met and I try to be like her.
Even though she is not here in body she is here in spirit looking after me.
God bless mum. I love you more than words can say. Your little girl Ann xx
